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December 3rd, 2009 | 4 Comments
This is not a case of keeping up with the Jones’. I am not walking on the treadmill looking at the girl next to me wishing I was running like her. It’s more a case of keeping up with my former self. I am walking on the treadmill thinking, “Just a few months ago I was running 5K everyday, what can’t I do that now?!” or I am in the mall thinking, “Last time I bought from this store I was a 10 so why is the 10 not fitting me now.” Even yesterday I got my 10,000 steps in (if you haven’t been following, I’m on a 10,000 step mission for Dec), but all I could think about was how I didn’t even get close to Tuesday’s 17,000 steps.
Yesterday's 10,000 in all their glory!
I set 10,000 as my goal, I reached my goal…why can’t I be happy with that? It seems that I am only feeling good about my achievements if they are bigger and better than before. And let me tell you getting to 10,000 steps yesterday was hard. I was tired, not in a great mood, certainly not in the mood for exercise and I was really busy. I finished some chores at 9pm but I was still only at 7500 steps, so despite being exhausted I went for a walk to get to 10,000 steps at 9 at night. That is something I should feel proud of at any weight, size or age. But I went to bed thinking, “No where near as good as yesterday.”
What is the point of making goals if I don’t even feel good when I achieve them?
Another big factor in all these comparisons is that I am back living in Southern California after having been gone for a couple of years. That might not seem like a big deal but when I lived here before I was a good 40lbs lighter. I gained all of my weight whilst I was gone. This means a few things…
- I don’t want to reconnect with friends in the area because I don’t want them to see me like this
- I can no longer shop at some of the stores I used to shop at because they just don’t fit anymore
- I’m not fit enough to do the hikes, bike rides and runs I used to
But mostly I just despise the toll it is taking on my confidence because I am just constantly walking around feeling like crap for not being as thin/healthy/attractive/fit/in-shape/active as I was when I lived here previously. In a weird way it is like my healthy past is coming back to haunt me!
As soon as I became conscious of how self deprecating my thoughts are, it really is alarming. Since a talk with the husband about this a couple of days ago I have been trying not to think or speak negatively about myself. But thus far it is not really working.
These constant comparisons do have one redeeming factor though. If you have been following this week you will know that my motivation has been through the roof. Sure it might be self hate fuelled motivation but the fact is that I never want to feel like this again so I am doing everything I can to work my way out of it.
Getting back to my confident self will have to come later.
oh rebecca, I’ve been there! lord, have i been there and wow. i don’t wish that upon anyone.
honestly, if the peeps care about you, truly care about you, like kept in touch while you were gone care of you, they won’t care if you are 40 lbs heavier, but you know that.
right now, just focus on squashing away those thoughts, you’ll get back to your old self in no time… just keep it up, and i know you are because your totally rockin it!
Be very very wary of the monster “i’ll do this when I lose ____ lbs.”
It will keep you from living your life. It will eat you alive. And in the end depression for most people means eating more and gaining more repeat of the cycle etc etc.
Live your life as who you are TODAY. Yesterday was a learning experience and tomorrow may not come. So why worry about those when you have this beautiful day to fill with your life??
Smile at what you have now, and be happy for what you may discover about yourself on your journey
I’m kind of with Brandi on this one. Don’t let not being exactly where you want to be stop you from doing things and being with friends. Honestly, I’m sure your body image is more a hang-up for you than it is those around you. The key (I think) is to keep moving forward, keep striving to improve. I’ve heard from a lot of folks that feel like they’re too fat to go to a gym, or too big to go hiking. Bullsh*t. I’ve got news for you… people at the gym don’t care. They’re there for themselves (most of us anyway) and not to judge everyone around them.
But I’m definitely with you on the competitive spirit of wanting to improve over yesterday’s workout.
I think those are normal thoughts to have. It is easy to kick yourself when you are down, but at least you are using it as fuel to help you get where you need to go. I would see if you can transfer it into positive support and fuel. That will help you in the long run. I get into those spouts too. I have 70 lbs to lose and boy the only thing that keeps me sane is the support from my family and friends. You can do it!